


Memory, In Hope of Feeling

by kyburg



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Androids dream of smut, Data is a good brother, Emotions without feeling, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, Geordi is a good man, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lore is a total jerk, M/M, Non-Consensual Touching, Written on a Dare, body horrors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-25
Updated: 2014-07-25
Packaged: 2018-02-10 07:58:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2017161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyburg/pseuds/kyburg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Geordi La Forge's first shift returning to duty after Data nearly killed him while under Lore's influence to experience true emotions.  Data appears to be simply interested in seeing Geordi recovered, but there might be more to what Data needs to understand than Geordi can explain.</p>
<p>In short, Geordi loves Data, but when Lore said the same thing, it had a very different impact.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memory, In Hope of Feeling

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WildAndFreeHearts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WildAndFreeHearts/gifts).



> Definitely non-consensual manipulation on the part of Lore.

The day Geordi La Forge returned to his post, recovered from the damage he had himself inflicted upon him at Lore’s direction, Data was there to see him begin his shift, remaining at the panel in engineering without saying anything more than “Good evening, Geordi. Welcome back,” without even turning to look at him.

Geordi La Forge, for his part, had only stopped and cocked his head, one hand raised halfway before it dropped back to his side in surprise. “Data, what - ?” 

Other crewmembers had filtered in around him, taking their posts, wrapped up in their own orders and directives so the two of them had been left largely alone to greet each other. “I hope you are not alarmed,” Data said quietly, eyes on the panel in front of him. “But I wanted to ensure all was well with you. And be at hand if you needed anything.”

“Data, I’m fine.” Walking over to stand at Data’s shoulder, Geordi rested a hand on his back, fingers half-splayed at the base of his neck, nonplussed. “You don’t need to – “

“Need, no. Want, yes.” Nimble fingers tapping out the commands, then entering the lines of code he had been writing, Data turned to look at Geordi for the first time since he had entered engineering. “I find I need the reassurance of actual experience in this regard.”

“You need to know I’m okay, is what you’re saying.”

“Yes.” 

Geordi pressed his lips together and tapped them with one finger, the other dropping to rest at his side. “That’s not something you need to see me to confirm, Data.”

Canting his head, golden eyes looked up into Geordi’s face. “Actually, to confirm a theory I have been working on, it is. You appear to be quite well, Geordi. Is this not correct? It is – reassuring.”

“And you are thinking very hard about something, I can see it all around you.” Looking at Data with the full capabilities of his visor, the aura that constantly surrounded the android was full and bright. In his experience with Data, the engineer associated that kind of intensity with activity in his neural nets – the kind of processing activity that consumed his friend from the top of his head to the bottoms of his feet. When Data struggled to come to a conclusion about something, his friend knew it. He had tried to explain it to him as ‘plain as the nose on your face,’ and Data had considered it, the aura brightening a fraction and he had laughed when his theory was instantly confirmed.

“That is very interesting, Geordi. I had not considered that before,” Data had said, watching him chuckle with an expression at odds with the density band of light surrounding him.

Geordi had called it worrying. Data had only become more perplexed. “I understand the concept of revisiting information while trying to reconcile events, Geordi. But I do not have the capacity to understand the emotion of worry.”

“Perhaps, this might be a good example of what an emotion might look like to you, Data.”

Today, that aura was brighter than Geordi could recall it ever had been. He almost thought he could smell circuits heating up under the strain.

“What is it, Data? Ask me something. I’d almost accuse you of having a guilty conscience, but that’s not possible – is it?”

Geordi never really knew how Data had come to the conclusion that at times he needed to duck his head, look away, frown or appear contrite. Only that he did, and it was genuine. “You have forgiven me,” he said quietly. “I am fortunate, and grateful for the trust you put in me, Geordi. I am unable to come to any other conclusion.” 

“But that’s not it, is it Data? We’ve talked this out before. You were not…well. You were - “

“Insane,” the android replied. “That is a concise term that adequately describes what happened to me. I was not operating with all of my programming intact, therefore I was not functioning within acceptable parameters and my ability to reason was significantly impaired. It does give me an insight into the term ‘not playing with a full deck’ but beyond that, I am unable to reconcile your decision to trust me as you do at this juncture.”

Motioning Data to follow him, Geordi moved deeper into the engineering department, where the conference table was, taking a seat, waiting for his friend to mirror him in a chair across from him. “You need help to come to terms with this, don’t you,” he said quietly. “You know what it is to forgive, at least from an academic perspective – I know that. You did no lasting damage. You were acting under duress, compromised by Lore. You have shown to me you regret your actions and fully understand the consequences of them. In addition,“ he added, spreading his hands on the tabletop, “you have done everything you can to make it right by me, and I am grateful for that. Moreover, I know you are incapable of lying to me about any part of that – and even if you tried? I’d know,” he said, tapping the visor at one temple before folding his hands together in front of him. “I forgive you, Data. What can I reassure you about in my decision to do that?

“Does it involve emotion, Geordi?”

“Of course it does. Rationally, you know there is no excuse. But the ability to forgive is also weighted with something besides reason. You learned something from this. We learned emotion is possible for you. We just need to – y’know – not let it ruin you.”

“Or convince me to kill you. A different outcome – “

“I chose to let my opinion of you influence my decision on how I perceive you, Data.” Blowing air, Geordi sat back as he absently noted Data had not moved since he had sat down to this conversation, the aura thick and bright as ever. He decided another tack was called for. “We’ve discussed this Data,” he said. “And I would really like to let it go and move on from there.”

“Agreed. That would be best.” The quick assent was made with a firm bob of his head, and Geordi released a deep breath he hadn’t realized he had taken. “However – “

“Data, what is this all about? This isn’t about you and me, or is it?”

Finally, Geordi was rewarded with the gesture of discomfort he knew Data would display if he managed to put his verbal finger down on what the android was struggling to define. Data looked away, eyebrows coming together minutely, eyes darting towards the floor. “I am trying to remember what it was like to feel the emotions.”

“We know that doesn’t work.” But Geordi watched Data shake his head in negation, briefly closing his eyes.

“Not like that. By revisiting my memory, I have been examining each action, reaction, decision made and the motivation behind them. Down to the smallest units, binary signals as the electrical pulses went across my neural nets. The experience is different from when the memory was written – I know the emotions are there, but I cannot reload the sensation they created.”

“That’s probably what that chip was for, Data. It didn’t create emotions, just allowed you to process the extra information that was already there. That’s encouraging, don’t you see? The emotions are already there, you just need some additional hardware specific to those processing pathways. It’s not impossible.”

The aura finally began to dim as Geordi watched, heaving a sigh of relief as he did so. “Geordi, I now know what it is to be angry, I can recall the sensation. But it is as if it is happening to another person, not I. When Lore decreased my access, I knew depression and suicidal despair. Instantly. I can understand now why humans are willing to destroy themselves to avoid those feelings.”

Nodding, Geordi waited for Data to look at him. “And I am sorry for that, Data. Did you feel anything when your ethical processors came back online? You did, didn’t you.”

A quick flick of his eyes to meet his gaze, then away into the space between them. “Remorse. Guilt. Very small and fleeting, but they were a reality until I shut Lore down. He could no longer control me through them, but they were still very present.”

Data fell silent, and continued to look away as Geordi silently whistled. “Wow. I didn’t know that. I am really sorry, Data. It sounds like you got nothing but the wrong end of the deal when it came to feeling your first emotions. That’s not right.”

“My blind obedience to Lore almost caused me to destroy you. Harm the Captain and Counselor Troi. Put the entire crew of the Enterprise at risk. Not right about the wrong end is at best disingenuous if I were to claim it for myself.”

Standing, Geordi decided it was time for Data to push this line of thought into the background. “It’s done, Data. It happened. We live another day. Now, get out of here and let me get my shift underway. Shoo. I. Am. Fine.”

One of the things he loved about Data was that some times, he just did what he was asked. Or told. “As you wish, Geordi, ” he said quietly, but Geordi sensed there was a smile underneath the statement, small and neutral as it always was with Data.

Standing to leave, Data hung back as Geordi got to his feet and strode past him into the catwalks and framework surrounding the warp core, a quick clap on his back and a bright smile on the engineer’s face his dismissal.

It only took a fleeting set of seconds for Data to replay Lore’s last moments before he had shut him down.

_Geordi, Lore said he loved me. And I felt it._

_Geordi, you have said you love me. But it is not like what Lore felt for me._

_It is not what I feel for you._

_It was desperate longing for understanding. It was **‘you are like me, like no other, dear brother. My heart, my soul divided into your existence. You, a part of me.’**_

_It was hunger and thirst when I have neither._

_It was longing. It was satiation. It was a void, and he filled it. **‘Do you understand, dear brother? Do you feel it as well?’**_

_It was a passionate wish to own me. Because he saw me and knew me as something he wanted. More than any other thing he had ever known._

_He made me feel sensation beneath my skin that was pleasing. He made me see myself in his eyes with desire. He enjoyed the very sight of me in a way that physically attracted me to him._

_He wished us to be two minds in one body, two passionate hearts entwined beyond uncoupling._

_It took such little time. The moments between ‘Goodbye, Lore’ and ‘I love you.’_

_Is that love? It is what he called it, and I do not understand why._

_He used it in an attempt to keep me from shutting him down. It was also honest, as honest as it was desperate. If I were to know one thing about Lore, he wanted me to know this._

_**‘I go into this void, dear brother – in love with you. I love you, Data.’**_

_I do not want you to know this about Lore and I. It makes it difficult to parse my description of it._

_Is this what I will be should I allow myself to feel emotions again?_

_I would not do that to you._

_But what would I be capable of then? Could I be worse?_

He would never burden Geordi with what Lore had forced on him, and it was clear Geordi was not the right person to burden with the knowledge that Lore had used him so. Stopping in the corridor, Data tapped his combadge, the next steps clear in his mind. “Computer, give me the location of Counselor Troi?”

###

**Author's Note:**

> Written on a dare, and very happy to have had the experience - hope you liked it! Not my normal cup of tea, so it was a bit of stretch. And stretching is good!


End file.
